woah. it's been almost a month since i last posted. i guess i've been going too much at night or dotaing too much. i canceled my contract with ca california and i'm heading to halia restaurant ! well it's been quite a long wait to the start of my attachment as ca dragged our time in a very ridiculous way, most of my peers have already gotten their 2nd paycheck and here am i still at home slacking; thus i can't tolerate anymore so both desmond and i decided to head to halia restaurant since they were able to let us start work immediately and they are paying us at a better rate. 2 days 1 night more to enjoy my long break before i sell myself to this attachment.



feeling so desperately alone
i discover myself wandering around a strange new place.
i look behind me, hoping to see a familiar face,
and then stare straight ahead, only to find nothing but darkness.
i try to move further on, but i stumble and fall.
stuck, unable to stand, i rest upon the stone-cold ground
and listen for a soothing, heavenly sound.
hearing none, i raise my hands to my tear-stained eyes,
and cover them to see an even greater fear.
i picture the darkness swallowing the ones i love so dear.
forever gone, i will always be alone with the company of only a wall.
snapping out of the nightmare, i quickly open my eyes.
now I can see a bright light before me,
beckoning me to come closer to reveal what i can possibly be
in the future, leaving the past behind.
i feel so much like a prisoner, just released after being confined,
that the outside world, i will always now despise.
anger and fear increased over the years of solemn imprisonment,
from the time of childhood to adolescence.
i could see my hope slowly reaching its final evanescence,
but i held on and still am, after much advisement.
i have finally realized that in the end, i will still feel alone,
just as in a vast ocean, teeming with the living and lifeless, alone feels a stone.

i've been traveling on this road too long
just trying to find my way back home
the old me is dead and gone; dead and gone.

at the blink of an eye, i've slacked for a month. many of my peers have already gotten their first paycheck but here am i still at home and have not even started my job. this one month was a month of months. thinking through almost everything; everyday. luckily th past month have been fun to go through with mr wee and th dota crew. well i gotta enjoy the short few days that i'm left with.



trapped in an asylum of my very mind
with no more than unanswerable thoughts,
i ponder deeply as my mind rots,
yearning for the solution that i cannot find.
pity, i cannot inquire behind
nor to the greatest of all enlightened despots,
who can untie the toughest knots,
alas! within myself I remain lined.
to take my life, death is here.
psychologically, i have already died.
he calls me to him as I stare,
i stepped forward, thinking the good side,
that i’d be relieved form this eternal nightmare.
peering through the drape
of my synthetic cell,
how i long to escape
this manufactured hell.
like a bruised, little bird
too confused to fly,
i’m trapped, in a word,
so confined am i.
a captive, collared lion
alone in its pen,
i’m pacing and dying
in a man-made den.
for an eagle was not meant
to be locked in a cage,
its life to be spent
like a picture on a page.
and when a mighty lion,
in truth, is but a cat,
it will spend its time trying
to be greater than that.


For you: ltk,j

scars remind me that my past was real,
like the sight of you and the scent of beer.
i’ll never hate anything more:
you are everything that i abhor.
these scars remind of the truth
what was god thinking when he made me from you?
my sons will never suffer this fate,
i’ll never become this thing i hate.
the scars remind me of where i’m from
and of the thing i’ll never become



don't be trapped into an illusion that you have time for; because you don't.

i lay awake, wondering what tomorrow brings. will i be here tomorrow or will i be removed from this life
if i am still here will i live a good life or will it be the same misery all over again? if my dreams become reality will i have to give up a part of my soul to live those dreams. will having success & power challenge my morals & eventually make me a person with material wealth & no human values and morals. if this world ends where will i go - heaven or hell or maybe i will do exactly what i do in this life- float around with no purpose, neither belonging or accepted?


massive number of thoughts; massive amount of thinking. thus i can only note all these with this little blog i have. poetry's fun it expresses emotions very well. so hi Brian; bye Brian.


he wants to scream out, all his pain,
but all he can do is cry and feel vain.
feeling like a stupid clown;
running and stumbling, falling down.
strong enough to go on,
but too weak to fight the moron.
hearts breaking, souls shaking;
he can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.
desperately climbing through a tight, dark funnel.
smoke's biting in his eyes, making him cough;
every attempt to scream gets cut-off.
he prays and pleads for his fast salvation,
but all he gets ends in eternal frustration.
dumb screams, echoing through his mind.
is everybody around him deaf and blind?
in the dark he is waiting for the end,
to weak and to tired, to go on and contend
losing words each time i grow
and the wind i love ceases to blow
where tears die i lose control
and sadness starts to play its role
i miss my laugh my childhood smiles
i miss my faith, my poem files
i miss the sun, my life with no aches
god knows how many tears should it takes
take me to nowhere as far as my mind
go steady and leave everything behind
what takes a man to be as real?
what takes him to feel as i feel?
undress me from this life
living on the edge of a knife
cursed to be as real as fake
and earth starts to shake
in this life i’ve been starving
memories inside me been carving
time is ticking and life freezes over
i don't want to lose, this game won't be over
this sun will set again
the dark silence will soon be here,
oh, it will cover us again
with new terrors of fear.
moment by moment the hours passing,
so quickly than I could think,
my sweet memory also is passing.
something is coming down the pike.
i am so frightened,
for fears of the hidden tomorrow,
daily here my world is tightened
that, of course, is my sorrow
i won't pray for the morning,
who knows, a dawn of another terror.
today's woes is enough for a warning
i wish not a repeat of my sorrow.
surely the night will be over,
yet i am not excited,
who knows if it'll be a nova
just to leave, more dejected.
i don't want to wake up,
now that i have lost hope.
the tears I feel today,
i'll wait to shed tomorrow,
though i'll not sleep this night,
nor find surcease from sorrow,
my eyes must keep their sight,
i dare not be tear blinded,
i must be free to talk,
not choke with grief clear minded,
my mouth can not betray,
the anguish that i know,
yes; i'll keep my tears for later.



someday you will find me; caught beneath the landslide.

brian lin shixian, 21051990 acs junior,acs barker, SHATEC DCS 408B !
dota,sports,cooking,slacking,stoning


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