Tuesday, March 10, 2009 @1:34 AM
another week had passed. which means another week closer the final year exams. die.
th week passed without me even knowing that it passed. now i'm living life as if everyday is th same or maybe everyday it just gets worser. well sunday was a random day. greg came over and we were supposed to study but we ended up talking cock, laughing and cooking spaghetti. lol. th next study session would not be so fruitless. cause i'm still gonna try my best t hit my targets of all As.
past week had been a thinking week. i've been thinking a lot into life. i'm going back to th pessimistic bastard that i used to be. everything about me is just negative and nothing i think of is positive. i've been thinking so much so that i'm even afraid to face myself in the mirror. i've been thinking how much have i changed from primary school to secondary school, secondary to shatec, and shatec till now. i'm thinking how much the environment around had changed, the people around me; myself. it's like i don't know. every time when i do try to change results shows, but when something happens everything just goes hay-wire.
ec was a good example. i decided from the start of that term to put my heart into my shatec learning experience. i gave my 110% for the EC or at least for the start. everything started out good, after a while when i tried too hard and i didn't seem t get results; everything started going haywire as i was getting frustrated. frustrations lead to anger and anger leads to th downfall of everything, and that was th end of the EC on my part. everything started going downhill and finish. everything that could possibly go wrong went wrong. my tolerance level went down, my patience ran out and my attitude made a huge change.but i thought again there were other factors at that point of time that leaded to all th things happening so yeah. after that there is only one word to describe what happened; finish. then again did i really do nothing for the ec? hahah see thats what humans are; they always remember th bad points and never th good. i love it.
another example is th most recent one which is projects. argh. its like never ending to doing it cause we keep dragging it. and its like th same thing happens. everything started out fine and then bang it goes haywire again. when desmond didnt turn up on time i got frustrated and bang there goes my attitude again. FARK. i have no other better word to describe besides that cause partially i am too lazy t think of a better word. now i'm having problems with desmond and i hope it everything will be fine real soon. then again there are also factors that contributed t me being frustrated. but then again if i cant control my emotions properly wouldnt i lose all my friends? FARK.
no matter how much i try to change yeah without a doubt i would reap some results at th start and after a while everything just goes haywire. is this tests from the gods above or is it just me? i really dont know myself now. actually i never knew myself. its like i'm so lost. now i'm trying my hardest t let go of th past and try t start afresh again. but it seems so damn hard cos now th impression that i left on other people is just FARKED. i can't possibly blame anybody but myself.
now it feels as if all my dreams are all battered and torn. my trust, my faith seems so meaningless now. i'm unable t take this pain anymore. yet my heart tells me to forgive myself, to let go of th bad past, to let the love live. but a broken heart cannot think any good. it's probably reacting just the way it should. love dont exist, it's just a 4-letter word that doesnt mean anything or at least not to me. you can love all you want but i dont care. love dont exist in my world.you can love until you give up. i gave up already. i gave love quits, never to love again; because love is stupid. love is dumb; all it leads to heartaches and i had to many of those so love means nothing. love is pain, so quit while you can.
as i pace this frozen dead ground
the cold reminds me im alive
as i think without a sound
i wonder how i shall survive the words of sorrow left in my past
as unforgiving the world still turns
what is my future i still ask
still i must this young soul learns. war with myself is still in pieces
leaving is hell, but i cant stay sleepless
the dawn of life has just cracked open
the webs of words that i have woven, the evil of sin is under your nose
but the evil of love is not exposed
Men are brothers that fight strong wars
in a hundred years no one will mourn, still i watch and still i see
men that sheds man’s blood
for the things we are, forever free
they cant love like we all should. trapped inside the hell on earth
we bestowed this on ourselves
a peice of mind for what is worth
evil brought still as wealth.
okay i'm too tired to carry on typing. but definitely i will continue on this topic again.
