its th end of shatec. godddddddd. at th blink of an eye; a year had passed. so many things had happened; so many things had changed. some things i did i regretted it; some things i did i will definitely stand firm on my ground. it's really sad t see my classmates go. but there's no never-ending party so we all just have t bid each other farewell.

i came into shatec without a goal in life; perhaps at th point of time when i registered for shatec it's probably a way for me t continue studying as my o level results couldnt really bring me far. i came into shatec with a very slack mentality. as my friends from previous batches have told me it's quite slack. till now my mentality totally made a huge change. i realised this is a stepping stone towards my future career as a chef. i had t wake up from a dream, a stupid dream that i was having since secondary school. and i had t stop my nonsense and do something about my future. shatec somehow helped mould me in a way or another.


now come t think of it shatec was still not as memorable compared t secondary school. but both have its memories that i would really cherish of.


wooooo A class chalet was fun in a way. having zack there was one hell of a good thing lol. he is one entertainer that you will miss. so basically we gambled till 1plus 2 and after that we went down t drink. apparently clement brought a $2k+ bottle champagne. to be honest i couldnt even taste th $2 out of th $2000. lol. so we drank till 3 plus everybody started getting high, and slowly everybody started dispersing and went t sleep. greg was one of th first few t toh and guess what, i had t wait till he wakes up and then leave together with him. so i stayed awake and just stoned. emolation time ! during that one hour many thoughts went through my head; really many many have, many many got. i thought so much that i was like in my own sub-conscious world. stoned till 4plus maggie and co. came back from macs they thought i was drunk or smth and asked whether i was okay. i was like i'm more sober than i can ever be. so i continued stoning and found that guosheng was also not sleeping. so i went t chat with him. chatted till almost 6. i went back t th chalet and i decided i needed t cycle. so i took one of th bikes and cycled around pasir ris park. when i was cycling more thoughts came through my mind. almost every part of th park i went pass there was something that happened there. so many memories flashed back. i really miss th good o' days that we had. when we were still young and naive of th world.

so i stopped and stoned at one of th stone blocks. i had 1 min of sleep and during that one minute i saw my grandfather. he was looking at me and shaking his head. come t think of it i never really did anything t make him feel proud of. i really miss him. there's really something missing when he's gone. i teared when i thought of him. actualy i didn't just tear. i'm going t pay him a visit soon.

after that i couldnt sleep so i continued stoning and watched th sunrise. hahah sunrise wasn't really anything special. just like any other normal sunrise that you would get t see in pasir ris park. i looked at th open sea. and more thoughts came upon my mind. its like a never ending cycle. one thought links to another and so on and so forth. has this world come t a point that there is no point of living? why are we even on this earth and why do we not get contended with what we have? some people are millionaires or even billionaires but they are never contended with what they have and they just want more. some people are borned with proper features but they want more than what they have for e.g. going for plastic surgery etc. we are very fortunate to have proper features. do they ever consider th fact th some people are borned without legs or hands etc. but they are still living life just as it is. is this what we call karma? we got th retribution for what we did in our previous life or is it so-called generic defect? so many things science can never prove it.

some people may proclaim their so-called ever lasting love for a person. but in this world is there a thing that is 'ever-lasting'? nothing's ever-lasting. th fact of no money; no honey is real. so real that people choose t deceive themselves to believe that they will love each other no matter how poor th opp is. yes that is possible when u all have no children or burden. when you start a family. your finance is so important that everything your child needs requires money. and when you have no money th couple is bound t quarrel. and when you quarrel there's a chance that you might fall out and when you fall out thats th end. so called everlasting love. heh.
love? is there even such a thing in this world called love? and how do u even judge how many percent of love u give t th person? if love can be judged by numbers then yes love is a calculative thing. its like maybe i give a 110% and i get 10% in return? what do u think love is? business? hahah. if you truly love the person it does not require of you t ask for anything in return. but giving th human nature everybody would surely want or actually expect something in return. contradicting? nah. you may say 'oh this person treated me unfairly in this relationship' now what is so called fair and what is unfair? fair means th person treats you like gold that's fair? unfair when th person treats you like dirt?
there's no way t judge whether a relationship is fair or unfair. there's never a complete fair exchange of feelings in a relationship. one party surely will give more than th other be it money or devoting of feelings. in your point of view, if you were th one that is giving then it's 'unfair' to you. but if you are th one taking, its okay it doesnt really matter; does it? in a way or another nobody and no one except you; yourself t devote and give your heart out for th person so dont say its unfair when th person does not reciprocate. it's th real world wake up. putting yourself in despair cause th person doesn't reciprocate wont make th person love you in anyway. you may be sad; you may feel disappointed but th person does not give a damn about it. at least that's what i feel for most cases. then again u cant expect yourself t be happy especially when th person lead you around in circles and toyed with your feelings; giving you false hopes etc. so don't blame anybody but yourself cause at th end of th day its you yourself who chose t give your heart out for th person. if you wan t give make sure that you do it willingly; and not whining after th person did not responding to what you did for them.
"it's better t have loved and lost than t never loved at all" this phrase it just makes yourself feel better. cause u 'lost' th person by not getting together with them. or rather you did some things that may have cause th relationship between you and th person t fail miserably. but if you truly love th person, th love u have for th person will always be kept in your heart and not so-called lost. love can be gone but it can never be lost? what do you mean by lost love? does it mean when th person gives up th hope of having or continuing a relationship? what actually is th real meaning behind lost love? or rather is it th lost of faith in love?
love is word that many mis-use. i have feelings therefore i love you? do people even consider th fact whether is it an infatuation or a fling before they throw out th 3 words of 'i love you' its so easy t say 'i love you' and its so hard t show whether you really love th person. does it mean that you spent a lot of money on th person means that you love th person a lot? yes in a way or another. considering at this era everything is so costly and almost everything requires money. but can money buy love? yes in a way. some people get together th initial reason of getting together is cause th opp has money or looks. if th person have money you wont have t fork out money when you 2 go out etc. at our age we should go with th 'no money, also happy' thought but this world is getting too materialistic. too many people get obsessed with money, material gains etc. people are thinking too much into benefits of getting into a relationship with th person. rather than considering whether they truly like th person. definitely when 2 people get together it's cause they have mutual feelings for each other, th liking that they have fr one another. then again do they really have genuine feelings for each other? there's so many questions that can't be answered.
love and then make love. that's what most guys have in their mind when they get into a relationship. is having sex really that important in a relationship? so are u getting together with th girl just for th sake of having sex or what. guys always think that sex is very important in a relationship. yes its a very open world now but too many people has considered sex as a crucial factor in a relationship. guys would say i have my needs and girl would also have their needs. but isn't it most of th time th guys' needs rather than th girls' needs? many girls actually lose their first time t their boyfriend cause their boyfriends wants it. th girl truly loves th girl and thats why she is willing t give up their virginity and their most sacred first time for you. then again guys feel as if it's nothing even if she gave me my first time cause she was th one that was willing and i didnt force her. so if you wan t get together with a person just because of sex wouldn't that hurt your conscience? well actually most people forget th word 'conscience' even existed.
break-up. it's also a phrase that many couples always use. "i want to break up with you" what's th point of breaking and patching when you people have already broken up. if you guys could break up once that means you can break up twice thrice etc. because both of you already have differences in each other that neither could give in to. being together ain't just about 'being together' it's so much more than that. you would have t learn how t give in, how to care for each, how to accept each other for who they are and most importantly know how t love each other. quarrels are inevitable in a relationship and if a couple's relationship can go through an argument, fight etc. it will only help strengthen their relationship and know each other better. how many people actually realise th seriousness of breaking up? they treat th phrase too lightly and just throw it out whenever they feel like it. so i see that's th whole point of getting into a relationship eh? seeing who's th one who ditched who. hah
one-sided love is one of th hardest to keep. many people just give up halfway and look for a new target. it is hard because most of th time, th things you do, th feelings you devote, th time that u give may not be returned or may not even be seen. some may think "i can try t make th person touched and thus like me". NO. that does not fking happen. even though th person may be touched but touched does not mean must like. th fking human nature is just like that. when you need a person you acknowledge their existence but when you don't, you just treat them as if you never knew them. at this era, there is no such thing as try t make a person touched anymore. no matter how much you, what you do, whatever. hah. cause th fact is touched doesnt mean must like.
love is something that can create havoc between friendships and relationships. th complex nature of a human can never be totally discovered or known. you will never know how much a person would do t just get th person of their dreams. how much time they will give out, how much effort they will put in, how much they will do, until th extend of fucking a friendship up. it is something that will cause humans t lose their sanity. i dont even know what more t say. there is too much going on in my mind.
i never really did know how t love someone; maybe i never will. you may call it sua-ku or whatever or however you may put it. i tried; twice, putting in all my effort, giving out my heart, being there for th person whenever they needed me and giving my all for the person i really love. i thought naively that by doing that th person would reciprocate. but you know what? what ever could possibly go wrong possibly went wrong. so maybe just maybe i'll never know what love is.





嘴巴說她不值得我在想了, 但是心裡卻好想;好想她

kar yi thank you!




shatec life is going to end in 1 days time. so fast a year had passed. i'm having mixed feelings now. i dont know what t say.so many memories, good and bad would be taken along. i'll make a detailed post on this very soon. gotta do notes fr exam alr.


and tomorrow's th last day that i'll get t see almost everybody ever again; and most importantly see you ever again. i just need t take one more last glimpse of you before we head our own separate paths and see each other again. hah

goodbye, all th best in your future endeavors.

goodbye dcs 408A and B. thank you all for times; memories



查埔人的情
甘愿为爱拼一生
查某人的心
甘愿为情来牺牲
对你这段情
是愈久愈坚定
爱你一粒心
也未变形
无奈今夜雨未停
啊今夜风这呢冷
我的情也不愿停也不愿冷
分开我的心情
心痛是一层层
这段情放置心肝顶
心爱的
再会啦
这段情放置心肝顶



**i love you,wmej


心爱的; 再会啦.

woooooo. i'm lacking of sleep. like massively. i feel so tired but i cant sleep. thats just great. and th best thing is now i'm having fever again. wooooooo i love it.




so do you wanna enter the game? hahah !











i got so much i want t type but i just cant find th proper words to you cos my mind now is like a massive whirlpool.




your lies; my alibis

woooooooooo. fever ! in the morning, fever all through th night. feeling great now man. sick and tired.fever keeps going on and off on and off. c'mon my time is near. tahan another 3 more years and th world is going t come to an end !







live and let live? nahhh. i'm going t hell. wooooooooo

omg its one more week t final exams. die.


i've been having massive phlegm and blocked nose for almost the whole week. i'm feeling oh so good now. wooooooooo.

wooooo. just went karaoke with greg and casey. it was a last minute decision so it was like ahh. fun.lol. then we also asked jia t come along. but that guy he delay and delay then when he was singing his 2nd song time is up. HAHAH ! had quite a bit of fun, did all th stupid things etc. so after karaoke we slacked and talk cock then we went home. wooo.





greg: "you know what i feel like doing when i see her face?"
brian: "no?"
greg: "just punch only, i dont care if she's a girl"

lol greg was quite kind i guess. lol.





so th question still lies here: may i know what you want?









i'm going to lock up myself for 2 weeks before i do anything else. cos its the end of studying at SHATEC.

another week had passed. which means another week closer the final year exams. die.

th week passed without me even knowing that it passed. now i'm living life as if everyday is th same or maybe everyday it just gets worser. well sunday was a random day. greg came over and we were supposed to study but we ended up talking cock, laughing and cooking spaghetti. lol. th next study session would not be so fruitless. cause i'm still gonna try my best t hit my targets of all As.



past week had been a thinking week. i've been thinking a lot into life. i'm going back to th pessimistic bastard that i used to be. everything about me is just negative and nothing i think of is positive. i've been thinking so much so that i'm even afraid to face myself in the mirror. i've been thinking how much have i changed from primary school to secondary school, secondary to shatec, and shatec till now. i'm thinking how much the environment around had changed, the people around me; myself. it's like i don't know. every time when i do try to change results shows, but when something happens everything just goes hay-wire.

ec was a good example. i decided from the start of that term to put my heart into my shatec learning experience. i gave my 110% for the EC or at least for the start. everything started out good, after a while when i tried too hard and i didn't seem t get results; everything started going haywire as i was getting frustrated. frustrations lead to anger and anger leads to th downfall of everything, and that was th end of the EC on my part. everything started going downhill and finish. everything that could possibly go wrong went wrong. my tolerance level went down, my patience ran out and my attitude made a huge change.but i thought again there were other factors at that point of time that leaded to all th things happening so yeah. after that there is only one word to describe what happened; finish. then again did i really do nothing for the ec? hahah see thats what humans are; they always remember th bad points and never th good. i love it.

another example is th most recent one which is projects. argh. its like never ending to doing it cause we keep dragging it. and its like th same thing happens. everything started out fine and then bang it goes haywire again. when desmond didnt turn up on time i got frustrated and bang there goes my attitude again. FARK. i have no other better word to describe besides that cause partially i am too lazy t think of a better word. now i'm having problems with desmond and i hope it everything will be fine real soon. then again there are also factors that contributed t me being frustrated. but then again if i cant control my emotions properly wouldnt i lose all my friends? FARK.

no matter how much i try to change yeah without a doubt i would reap some results at th start and after a while everything just goes haywire. is this tests from the gods above or is it just me? i really dont know myself now. actually i never knew myself. its like i'm so lost. now i'm trying my hardest t let go of th past and try t start afresh again. but it seems so damn hard cos now th impression that i left on other people is just FARKED. i can't possibly blame anybody but myself.


now it feels as if all my dreams are all battered and torn. my trust, my faith seems so meaningless now. i'm unable t take this pain anymore. yet my heart tells me to forgive myself, to let go of th bad past, to let the love live. but a broken heart cannot think any good. it's probably reacting just the way it should. love dont exist, it's just a 4-letter word that doesnt mean anything or at least not to me. you can love all you want but i dont care. love dont exist in my world.you can love until you give up. i gave up already. i gave love quits, never to love again; because love is stupid. love is dumb; all it leads to heartaches and i had to many of those so love means nothing. love is pain, so quit while you can.

okay it was quite a happening week. full of interviews and it's like woah.


sat was quite errrr i dont know how t put it. work at The French Kitchen was quite fast paced. it was th first time i had t peel LIVE prawns and what made it better they were very aggressive. it was cruel t peel them alive but i could not not do it as it was work. i'm sooooooo going t hell and i'm prepared for it. i could hardly understand what th chef was saying also. its like his french accent is so strong. and th sous chef there is like damn fierce. oh wells gotta wait till tuesday and see whether i'll get accepted into there.


wooooooooooo. i got accepted into CA* California on friday and i'm told that they would inform me with regards on th date of signing th contract. but i can't really make a decision just yet as i have a second interview w/ Goodwood park and The Hidden Host. i'll see which offers me th best and just go into there.





&& yeah i think it was all my fault all along eh? i mean yeah didn't give me false hopes, you didn't lead me on in circles. yeah u didnt do anything wrong. how about no? hahah. true enough, things wouldnt have been like that if i had not fallen for you; but there are always two side t things? if you had chosen t handle it properly or rather face th problem instead of running away from it. but unfortunately u did not. have i not been gentleman enough; have i not given up enough; have i not did enough or is it rather what did i not do? yeah just act like nothing ever happened yeah its ALRIGHT. hahah.

hahah yeah you would just say nobody said u have t do anything for me blah blah blah. okay its my fault for being so foolish; so stupid t even love you. yeah after all love is blind. it made me so blind that i kept on listening t all your bullshit all this while. it made me lose my sense of judgement for what is wrong and right. i doubt a word that you said was even true. hahah as i said u've probably forgotten what you even said cos u just wanted a spare tyre isn't it? so many people have asked me 'what in th world happened to brian lin' cos if it was th real brian lin he would have slapped th person countless times and give th person a good time but i didnt choose t do that cos i love you.
and i just want t let you know; u never did make things clear. u kept bring me on th merry-go-round. just because u were 'confused' at different point of time you could choose whatever you like t do right? i like that. whatever i did for you came from th bottom of my heart and i never ever did expect anything in return. th things u did and said if u have remembered really hurt me. it really hurt me. i never did expect anything t come out fr what i did but th least i could expect from you was th fking sarcasm that you gave me. i really felt great when that happened. now it comes to 'oh u were th one who started it' hahah well maybe you should go take a look what you have said and done and maybe think about people's feelings before u even say anything. but i dont think it really matters t you cos u just needed a fool t talk t you and support you at tht point of time and when my time was up yeah u just kicked me away like a ball. thank you. i like that. seriously have i not been gentleman enough t you? have i not put down my pride cos of you? woooo. you know what; it does not matter t u in any way. LOL.

hahah so much for everything eh? u didnt want t lose this friendship cos of my liking towards you. well i would say no; at tht point of time when u said that if u recall what had happened. but maybe after all this time hahah no chance in hell i would consider giving this friendship a chance ever again. but you know something? i still love you even though what had happened. but it doesnt matter cos yeah its impossible for us t be together eh?! HAHAH! what a fool you are brian lin!


thank you; u've made learn a lot this time. and i wont ever give my heart out fr a girl ever again at least fr th near future. wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.



and i found th answer t greg's question as of now onwards is : everything; but again its also nothing.






darkest depths of my soul slowly
being destroyed by your chemical.
yes i'm tired of being alone
last love has turned my heart cold as stone.
trust, love, and faith all thrown back in my face
i'm such a disgrace.
you dont deserve the comfort of my love
and i didnt deserved to be pushed, or shoved.
did i even mean anything to you?
or was i just a toy for you to subdue?
i dont know anymore the real me when i look in the mirror
i cant understand what and who i see.
you've sent me back to the way i use to be
cold hearted, bitter, and inside angry.
my image of myself is incomplete, broken, and dead
i know i'm not perfect
nothing but a burden for some lost soul to collect.
but you made me think different
but it was all a lie and every word you never meant.
but i will find someone better than you
and with that happiness there's nothing you can do.
give me what i could never ask for
give me back my heart .
so i can give it to another who deserves what i have to give
a dead soul that desperately wants to live.
but I try to forgive you now
and try not to think about before
i love you so much
it just hurts to ponder now i never thought
it would hurt this bad
and i never imagined
you could make me feel so sad
but for now i will smile
and pretend nothing is wrong
i know one day
this pain and hurt will be gone
th way you always knew what to say
how we used to talk; almost everyday
but now that things have turn out this way
i have to be strong
and hope that one day
i will be able to move on and hopefully that day comes real soon.





aights time t ciao. feeling very tired alr.

brian lin shixian, 21051990 acs junior,acs barker, SHATEC DCS 408B !
dota,sports,cooking,slacking,stoning


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