Thursday, October 30, 2008 @6:48 PM
woooooohoooo.
im telling you i really do not noe which direction in life am i heading into now.im really damn lost now.deep down inside this fking mind of mine i hv alot of things tht are going through.it keeps running over and over and over and over again.its th same shit going on a different day.just as i thought this yr wuld be a better yr my family and i.but it just seems every year th situation gets worser and worser.nth ever changes; in fact it just turns worser and worser.
sometimes i really feel like shit bt i just put up a fake front infront of everybody.i really wna t talk t somebody and vent all my problems bt th problems are never ending.everytime when a major issue blows over, aft awhile another fking problem just pops out.im really sick and tired of this kinda life.im tired both physically and mentally.i'm wont blame my family but one person tht i will blame and never forgive is my father.he is fking hopeless as shit.everytime i see him i feel like just ending his fking life.firstly he failed miserably as a father he never ever fking took care of me.he is fking selfish, he puts himself first instead of th family.all these years since i was in primary school ive been hating him.th hate keeps getting stronger and stronger.th hate i hv fr him can never ever be described by words.many a time when my friends comes over my hse and they see th way i talk t my father they are shocked.they keep questioning why do i talk t him so rudely.if they know all th shit he had done only then they will noe how i feel. i really envy those ppl whose father care fr them and all.my father never ever gave a fucking shit abt me.when im sick he doesnt even fking show a fucking wee bit of concern.whether i do well or do bad in my studies he doesnt even noe.he can even fucking forget how old am i.tht is just fking great man.he does nt even show concern abt anything.he's so oblivious t th things tht is happening around him.im utterly dissappointed in him.he really hurt my heart;when your own blood father cant even remember your own birthday!so many years when im cutting my bday cake he just walks out of th room and say ' oh its your birthday ah'.tht did nt only happen one year;but it happened consecutively fr 6 fucking years.i cant even remember th last time tht he actually bought something fr me.he's really one fucking useless fuck.i really hate him;i really do.people always say no matter what he does he's still my father.no fucking chance in hell i will accept tht saying.now im on th verge of just disowning him and get him out of my fucking life and most importantly my family's life.i
do nt really noe what t say abt him on my part.my family used t be quite well to do.but ever since he fucked up.everything just went downhill all th way.we culd hv shifted t private property from hdb bt eventually nt only we did nt upgrade we in fact downgrade.fuck th past i dont really care anymore.im just gna move on and dont think anymore.life just sucks;it really just sucks.now l
ets move on to school.wooooooo its just too fking enjoyable.i do nt noe why bt this semester im putting my best into my work.maybe im trying t use work t forgot about my problems at home.well sometimes i really do not noe whether im over-reacting or what,maybe i just expect too much frm th team or i just give too much pressure etc.i really do not know what im really doing.i just want th best fr th team and maybe th best its just too pressurising fr them;for that im really sorry; really sorry team. i really do hope tht my team will get motivated aft th talk today. i do not know to them whether its just a waste of their 10mins of their life or what. ohwells.
well what is life really all about? is there really meaning behind life? some people look forward t having a better life,some people just wan t live life happily what is life to everybody?theres so many questions on life its never ending;never ever fucking ending.everybody has their own problems.so do we actually live life t face problems or what?do we live to die? but some people are dying to live?its really ironic. there's always th saying of ' the good begets good' which is so wrong. the good will never beget good. the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. that is th fact of life. people always say 'friends forever' but is it really forever? this is all making all th bad things sound good. friends come and go, and nothing lasts forever. i dont wna start on this topic again cause it would be never-ending.
well well somehow i'm having mixed feelings now. i did what i had to do and i have no regrets. but somehow i do nt know how t act in front of tht certain someone anymore. its like aiyah fk la i dont really know how t put it la.its just tak-tak-tak-tak-tak.i shall stop posting fr now. maybe when i have organised my thoughts den i'll blog again.
Monday, October 06, 2008 @4:56 PM
fk this shit;i cant take it anymore.
i do not noe who t talk to and i dont really feel like talking t anybody so here i am again t blog.
just as when i thought tht things were going better. NOPE !
i had alot of thoughts running through my head and i cant find a way out so im here t vent my anger.
well th useless just gets more fucking useless.one good example;my father!
he cant even do a simple like washing clothing.every fucking time he washes my clothes he wuld just fuck it up and he 'accidentally' fucking bleaches th colour away.he cant even take care of such a simple thing let alone tk care of my family.i never did fucking ask him t tk care of my family bt th least he culd fucking do is t wash clothes right.im really enraged now and im really trying t keep my anger under control; fortunately it is now but soon enough it wont be.
i cant stand this useless father of mine.if i could kill him i fucking would.all these years he brought nothing but pain and misery t my beloved family.all these years my mother has been sufferering ever since she was with my father.he nt only make himself bankrupt bt also made my mother bankrupt.he made my mother suffer not only physically; but most importantly mentally.now my mother might turn blind and every day shes worried abt her condition.i really do nt noe hw t comfort my mother, i really feel useless as her son.she gave up so much;so fucking much fr this family and this is what she gets frm him.when his cpf was drained out he told my mom t use her cpf t pay fr th flat.now my mother doesnt even have money in her cpf fr herself.
th worser th better eh;now my family might nt even have a hse t live in.th fucking hdb wants t take back th flat cuz my mother have no money t pay fr th flat thus owing hdb a huge amount of money.this is just fucking great man.every fucking year it just gets worser.i do not noe what will happen after hdb claims back th flat.theres so many thoughts running through my head.i really do nt noe who t turn to.i think im going crazy. i might just go fucking crazy and just kill him.
i really hate him i really fucking do.i just fucking wished he would die.he and his fucking brothers and sisters all deserves t fucking land in hell.fuck them.so many years ive tolerated all th fucking nonsense frm his brothers and sister and especially;him!so many fucking times they made my mother sad and they made me sad.i cant fucking take this fucking bullshit anymore.so many times .all these fucking years he failed terribly as a duty of a father;a husband and most importantly;a fucking human being.he has only brought more and more trouble t my family especially these past few years.i really fucking hate him.many a time people say tht when u have a son he comes t take back what he had done fr u th previous life, but NO it is th fucking other way round.i do nt have th fucking mood t do anything at all now.i'm really enraged im really fucking livid.words cant fucking express how i feel.th hate i have fr him now is even stronger and it is getting stronger day by day.soon enough retribution will fucking fall on him and his siblings;i do nt noe whether i can wait fr tht day.i really hope tht tht day will come fucking soon cuz im abt t go fucking beserk.i just feel like taking a knife and end his fucking miserable life and end my family's misery.FUCK THIS SHIT !
its only another 10 more days till my grandpa's 1st death anniversary.i really miss my ahkong.no matter how fucked up i was; my grandpa still gave his 101% fr me.i really love him and i really miss him.i hope tht my life wuld end soon and i can go down and accompany him.
i hope th world really ends in dec21 2012.cuz no matter what u fucking do,th good people will never ever fucking get what they deserve.frm this day on th old brian is dead and a new brian is borned.theres no point being optimistic abt things cuz being optimistic is just running away frm reality.it does nt help u in any fucking way.i used t believe tht theres is always a hope in life;but now facts has just proven me time and again tht theres no fucking hope.there no fucking good side.
i do nt now what i did my previous life t deserve such a fucking useless father; he is here t take back what i had taken away frm him.i feel like saying alotta things bt i just cant really note it all down cuz theres simply too many things tht i want t say.
i shall end here and seeya again soon dear blog.
