Friday, October 19, 2007 @9:43 PM
hi to all reading my blog.feel like blogging as i hav nth t do now.no mood t even play dota.
lets start wif tuesday.i woke up studied fr awhile den makaned.watch tv wif my sister den aft tht i receieved a call from my mother saying my grandfather is close t his last breath.so aft tht my sis and i rushed down t th hospital.it was like a 20mins ride,bt t me at tht time it was like a very very long ride down.so on the way there,my sis recieved a call frm my bro in law,my grandfather has passed away.at tht point i felt so fucking lost and sad.i wanted t hold my tears bak bt it came down like a waterfall.i couldnt believe tht my ahkong just left.i was at a lost fr words.wen my sister and i reached th hosp we rushed up t see my ahkong,bt unfortunately he isnt talking anymore.i culdnt hold bak anymore n i bursted out in tears.i was so sad,sad til i culdnt even say anything.aft tht th undertaker came and brought his body bak so they culd put th chemical inside t preserve his body.soon after that my family n i wen fr dinner so yeah.
on wed it was th first day of th wake.i was very tired i tried sleeping fr th whole nite since 3 plus till 7 plus.i was thinking of my ahkong.so wen finally got t sleep my mom woke me up at like 8 plus,she started scolding n shouting,i was like i didnt sleep last nite n she said its ure own fault fr nt sleeping n playing computer i was so fucking angry.bt nvm so i dragged myself into th toilet n bathed.so aft tht prepared th stuff fr th wake n arnd 11 plus my grandfather's body arrived and th ritual started.i wanted t hold my tears bak once again but culdnt,i cant accept th fact tht he passed away n i really really want him bak but i noe its not gna be possible.wen we went past th coffin i completely cried n culdnt hold bak any longer.i cant believe tht im now doing tis funeral fr my beloved ahkong.i was so fucking sad,sry i cant use any other description.so whole day i just stoned n stoned thinking abt my grandpa.arnd 12am desmond came n he paid his respects n yeah we went t th coffeeshop t slack slack n talk cock.did tht til like 4 plus we went up t play dota n aft tht we slept.
thurs i got woken up by desmond n it was like 11plus n he was suppose t leave at 6plus so we makaned our breakfast den i wen t bathe den he left fr home n i left fr my chemical prac exam.so i wen t my chem exam like at 1230 n i thought it was gna start at arnd 1 or wad den end up phaaaaaaap it was at 2.i was like wtf bt nvm so i did my paper n it finally ended n i walked bak home.was just in time fr th prayer n yeah.roughly at tht time terence,jerm n freddie were reaching my place so yeah nt long aft th prayer started they reached.so we slacked n talk til leon lim came n then aaron came.so aft awhile we decided t play badminton played fr like 30mins leon li came n den we played fr awhile more den i wen up t bathe.aft tht i went up t bathe n yeah.den i came down like 10mins aft tht casey,greg,zhenwen,xianwen,elvin,yatty and helmy came.shortly aft tht jia n venelyn came.talk cock slack slack den alexong den jothi n pornchai came.really appreciate them fr coming t my hse t pay respect t my grandfather.tank u all very very much.esp t elvin who lives all th way at jurong n th rest either near town or wad.we all talk cocked n slacked til like 12 plus den all of em left t catch th last bus or a cab home.aft sending them off i wen bak t clear up n sat down wif my cousins n family t talk cock.aft awhile i wen up t play dota n my cousin came into my room den he played oso.played fr awhile more den domtye came.really appreciated it wen tis fucker came,although he didnt have much money n culdnt really come he still came n accompanied me n paid respect t my grandfather.den we went up slacked played dota den aft tht he wen home i wen t sleep.
today woke up about 10plus bathed n makaned den it came t the time tht it was th last time fr me t see my grandfather.so th monk chanted n i managed t hold bak my tears.but wen it came t th time wen i had t send him off th temple i culdnt tank n bursted out in tears.all th way till we reached th temple.we prayed fr awhile n it was time t send him off fr cremation.wen he entered th furnace i culdnt help myself frm crying as it was th last time tht i was going t see him.so aft tht wen home t sleep n wake up fr tuition bt unfortunately i overslept so yeah.
it really hurts me deep inside as i indirectly cost his death n i had nth else i culd say or i culd do.i very much wan t go down t accompany him.so much so no one noes it.every1 keeps asking me whether im ok anot or wad.bt i hv to say im ok as i dun want them t worry fr me.bt deep inside of me i dun even feel a fucking bit ok.i cant accept th fact tht my beloved ahkong wen away.it was so sudden.so sudden tht i culdnt react in any other way bt just cry.i had so many things t say t him n talk t him about.so many things tht i always wanted t do wif him bt culdnt have a chance or rather i didnt bother t arrange it.now wen hes gone i really regret it so much so tht im on th verge of committing suicide.i really regretted all th times tht i didnt spend wif him n chose t go out wif my frens all th time tht i culd talk t him bt didnt.i so very much wanted an outing wif him t fishing bt didnt hav a chance to.i just feel tht im a fucking useless grandson n i dun deserve a ahkong like him.who gave all his best fr me n i didnt even giv my 1 percent fr him.i feel so fucking sad n dissappointed at myself.so fucking dissapointed.alot of times i wanted t talk t my frens aft my ahkong passed away bt i culdnt bring myself t talking t them as i knew i wuld start crying n i wuldnt wna do tht.so many things i wanted t share wif my grandfather bt i culdnt.he culdnt even wait til i had my first official job n he left.hes off t a place tht he finally can rest.hes off t th place so far tht i cant reach it.i really wan t go there n accompany him.really really wan t accompany him bt i just cant.i have so many thoughts in my mind now bt i just cant express it by talking neither by blogging.i feel so sad now tht i dun even wna continue typing anymore.
so i guess i shall stop here fr today.
i love you ahkong,
tanks fr all th times.
