Wednesday, October 24, 2007 @10:18 PM
Spend all your time waiting For that second chance For a break that would make it ok There's always one reason To feel not good enough And it's hard at the end of the day I need some distraction Oh beautiful release Memory seep from my veins Let me be empty and weightless And maybe I'll find some peace tonight In the arms of the angel Fly away from here From this dark cold hotel room And the endlessness that you fear You are pulled from the wreckage Of your silent reverie You're in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort here So tired of the straight line And everywhere you turn There's vultures and thieves at your back And the storm keeps on twisting You keep on building the lie That you make up for all that you lack It don't make no difference Escaping one last time It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh Oh this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees In the arms of the angel Fly away from here From this dark cold hotel room And the endlessness that you fear You are pulled from the wreckage Of your silent reverie You're in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort here You're in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort here !its been one week plus since ahkong left.bt everytime wen i see his picture,i wil just start crying.its just nt brian lin t cry,bt i cant hold bak my tears.all the memories all the good n bad tht ive gone thru wif my grandpa.i really miss him.really fucking badly.i really do.i dunno who t confide in n i dunno who t talk to.sometimes i just feel like giving up everything n just go accompany him.now wen hes gone i finally realise hw impt he is t me.i really regret nt taking him out wen i culd n not talking t him more often.i really wna do alotta things wif him bt unfortunately i can now or in the future.i just feel empty without him now, im just... haiz i oso dunno wad t type.i shall end my post today here.
zhaos.
Friday, October 19, 2007 @9:43 PM
hi to all reading my blog.feel like blogging as i hav nth t do now.no mood t even play dota.
lets start wif tuesday.i woke up studied fr awhile den makaned.watch tv wif my sister den aft tht i receieved a call from my mother saying my grandfather is close t his last breath.so aft tht my sis and i rushed down t th hospital.it was like a 20mins ride,bt t me at tht time it was like a very very long ride down.so on the way there,my sis recieved a call frm my bro in law,my grandfather has passed away.at tht point i felt so fucking lost and sad.i wanted t hold my tears bak bt it came down like a waterfall.i couldnt believe tht my ahkong just left.i was at a lost fr words.wen my sister and i reached th hosp we rushed up t see my ahkong,bt unfortunately he isnt talking anymore.i culdnt hold bak anymore n i bursted out in tears.i was so sad,sad til i culdnt even say anything.aft tht th undertaker came and brought his body bak so they culd put th chemical inside t preserve his body.soon after that my family n i wen fr dinner so yeah.
on wed it was th first day of th wake.i was very tired i tried sleeping fr th whole nite since 3 plus till 7 plus.i was thinking of my ahkong.so wen finally got t sleep my mom woke me up at like 8 plus,she started scolding n shouting,i was like i didnt sleep last nite n she said its ure own fault fr nt sleeping n playing computer i was so fucking angry.bt nvm so i dragged myself into th toilet n bathed.so aft tht prepared th stuff fr th wake n arnd 11 plus my grandfather's body arrived and th ritual started.i wanted t hold my tears bak once again but culdnt,i cant accept th fact tht he passed away n i really really want him bak but i noe its not gna be possible.wen we went past th coffin i completely cried n culdnt hold bak any longer.i cant believe tht im now doing tis funeral fr my beloved ahkong.i was so fucking sad,sry i cant use any other description.so whole day i just stoned n stoned thinking abt my grandpa.arnd 12am desmond came n he paid his respects n yeah we went t th coffeeshop t slack slack n talk cock.did tht til like 4 plus we went up t play dota n aft tht we slept.
thurs i got woken up by desmond n it was like 11plus n he was suppose t leave at 6plus so we makaned our breakfast den i wen t bathe den he left fr home n i left fr my chemical prac exam.so i wen t my chem exam like at 1230 n i thought it was gna start at arnd 1 or wad den end up phaaaaaaap it was at 2.i was like wtf bt nvm so i did my paper n it finally ended n i walked bak home.was just in time fr th prayer n yeah.roughly at tht time terence,jerm n freddie were reaching my place so yeah nt long aft th prayer started they reached.so we slacked n talk til leon lim came n then aaron came.so aft awhile we decided t play badminton played fr like 30mins leon li came n den we played fr awhile more den i wen up t bathe.aft tht i went up t bathe n yeah.den i came down like 10mins aft tht casey,greg,zhenwen,xianwen,elvin,yatty and helmy came.shortly aft tht jia n venelyn came.talk cock slack slack den alexong den jothi n pornchai came.really appreciate them fr coming t my hse t pay respect t my grandfather.tank u all very very much.esp t elvin who lives all th way at jurong n th rest either near town or wad.we all talk cocked n slacked til like 12 plus den all of em left t catch th last bus or a cab home.aft sending them off i wen bak t clear up n sat down wif my cousins n family t talk cock.aft awhile i wen up t play dota n my cousin came into my room den he played oso.played fr awhile more den domtye came.really appreciated it wen tis fucker came,although he didnt have much money n culdnt really come he still came n accompanied me n paid respect t my grandfather.den we went up slacked played dota den aft tht he wen home i wen t sleep.
today woke up about 10plus bathed n makaned den it came t the time tht it was th last time fr me t see my grandfather.so th monk chanted n i managed t hold bak my tears.but wen it came t th time wen i had t send him off th temple i culdnt tank n bursted out in tears.all th way till we reached th temple.we prayed fr awhile n it was time t send him off fr cremation.wen he entered th furnace i culdnt help myself frm crying as it was th last time tht i was going t see him.so aft tht wen home t sleep n wake up fr tuition bt unfortunately i overslept so yeah.
it really hurts me deep inside as i indirectly cost his death n i had nth else i culd say or i culd do.i very much wan t go down t accompany him.so much so no one noes it.every1 keeps asking me whether im ok anot or wad.bt i hv to say im ok as i dun want them t worry fr me.bt deep inside of me i dun even feel a fucking bit ok.i cant accept th fact tht my beloved ahkong wen away.it was so sudden.so sudden tht i culdnt react in any other way bt just cry.i had so many things t say t him n talk t him about.so many things tht i always wanted t do wif him bt culdnt have a chance or rather i didnt bother t arrange it.now wen hes gone i really regret it so much so tht im on th verge of committing suicide.i really regretted all th times tht i didnt spend wif him n chose t go out wif my frens all th time tht i culd talk t him bt didnt.i so very much wanted an outing wif him t fishing bt didnt hav a chance to.i just feel tht im a fucking useless grandson n i dun deserve a ahkong like him.who gave all his best fr me n i didnt even giv my 1 percent fr him.i feel so fucking sad n dissappointed at myself.so fucking dissapointed.alot of times i wanted t talk t my frens aft my ahkong passed away bt i culdnt bring myself t talking t them as i knew i wuld start crying n i wuldnt wna do tht.so many things i wanted t share wif my grandfather bt i culdnt.he culdnt even wait til i had my first official job n he left.hes off t a place tht he finally can rest.hes off t th place so far tht i cant reach it.i really wan t go there n accompany him.really really wan t accompany him bt i just cant.i have so many thoughts in my mind now bt i just cant express it by talking neither by blogging.i feel so sad now tht i dun even wna continue typing anymore.
so i guess i shall stop here fr today.
i love you ahkong,
tanks fr all th times.
